Seoul Crusher

Teacher: (passing out tests) Ok, you guys have 30 minutes to finish these.

Brian Kim: Why test teacher? I did not know!

Teacher: This is a test to level up*, if you do well you move into a more advanced class. Your parents will be so happy!

Brian Kim: Really Teacher?!? Okay!

Teacher: Yes Brian, are you excited, I think you will do well! (give him the test)

Brian Kim: Wow teacher, this test easy! (starts writing the test)

Teacher: I know, good luck!
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30 minutes later
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Teacher: (marking Brian Kim's test) Wow Brian, you got the best score in class! Congratulations, you are going to level up!

Brian Kim: (jumping around excited) My parents Teacher! They are going to be happy! They promise me cell phone if I level up!

Teacher: That sounds wonderful Brian, you know what cell phones are good for?

Brian Kim: (practically dirty dancing with Jesus) Yes teacher, calling and texting, and games! I'm excited!

Teacher: Yes, and they have applications too, you can go on the internet and look up stuff!

Brian Kim: (a shit eating grin that can only come from someone who is guilty of eating shit) Yes, I am excited!

Teacher: Me too! I think the first thing you should look up is (crumpling up the test and throwing it into the garbage) ...

APRIL FOOLS' DAY!

* leveling up is a Korean Child's pre-pubescent wet dream

The bigger the bacon, the fatter the pig

When I first came to Korea, I was excited, to say the least. I am a huge M*A*S*H fan and one of the proud investments in my life is my M*A*S*H t-shirt. Once arrived, I wore it loud and proud, like christians* who wear crosses flagrantly around their neck.

Case in point: I was walking around the Hongdae district within my first couple of weeks in Korea, clad in the upperbody uniform of the 4077**, when I was approached by a police officer. At the time, I was admittedly intoxicated, yet jovial as one can expect to be whilst experiencing a new culture/country. The officer, however, was not going through same high-spirited 'fiesta in the streets' as I was. Heavily irked by the shirt, he condemned it as offensive "after all Korea had gone through with 'the war'". I responded with, "well it was a fucking wicked movie, and an even more entertaining TV show", or something along those lines. Long story short, by the end of the argument, I was detained in the local jail/drunk tank, for hours on end. Unwavering, I did and WILL continue to assert the lack of instigation on my part, and the total abuse of power by that one Korean flatfoot. Yes, eventually, I was released with an apology by a higher ranking official; but that incident always stuck in my craw.

Over time, I have come to forgive the Korean police department (even the individual officer), and all that occurred. The scar left by that event healed over, and eventually became a beauty mark that I think accentuates my very being, my soul (yes, I was tempted to write SEOUL... "uh guh").

I drank a bottle of soju with a patrolman who was on duty a while back, and it will remain an endearing moment in my life. My opinions of authorities run deep, but I would like to say, I had come to fully support the Korean police force.

That is, until today... when I discovered their newest JUNIOR recruit: Brian Kim

Briam Kim puts the "Lice" in Police. Fuck knows he has me scratching my head most the time.

* if you are offended that I didn't spell 'christians' with a capital "C", then you probably took even more offense to the word "flagrantly" and most likely shouldn't be reading this shit.

**look it up, you non-M*A*S*H watching cunts!