Fast Food For Thought

Brian Kim: Teacher, do you drink 맥주 (맥주, or Mc-Jew, like McDonald's combined with Judaism, it means Beer)?
Teacher: (lying) Absolutely not!
Brian Kim: Really teacher? Why?
Teacher: Cause I'm too worried of getting drunk and making a stupid mistake that results in me being the father to a kid like you...
Brian Kim: But teacher, you arent my father!
Teacher: I know, he is drinking right now wishing we were both in that same position.
*

*Yes, the above man is drunk, passed out, and at Mcdonalds

Boys and Ghouls

Either this happened in class today, or I fell asleep again while teaching:

Brian Kim: TEACHER! LEO* HAS TURNED INTO ZOMBIE!



Teacher: So what, he's still more alive to me than you are.
Brian Kim: (with a Korean Whine) BUT TEACHER, HE WILL KILL ME!
Teacher: One could only dream...
Brian Kim: PLEASE TEACHER, I DON'T WANT LEO TO EAT ME!
Teacher: Don't worry, zombies only eat people with brains. You are safe.
* pronounced "Lay-O" for some gay-tit reason

Popular Kid

Wow!!! They must know Brian Kim*!

*photo courtesy of one Miss Wilke, Brian Kim hater at large.

Know your role

It goes without saying that there is a lot of drama in our classes, but the kind I look forward to is when we actually have "Drama Class". Currently, we have been assigned "The Wizard Of Oz", a classic tale of the wonderfully sweet Dorothy, lost in an unknown world; and at the same time, it is undeniably, even innately familiar. Much like what I go through in Korea on a daily basis. A sort of bastardized version of a reality I once knew.
To Wit:
I was handed a storyboard'ed script for "The Wizard of Oz" production we are to perform in the near future. Upon reading it, I immediately wanted to vomit on the nearest child possible... which thankfully was Brian Kim as he can't help but to saddle up to the teacher every second of the class. I however held it in, knowing he would probably take this as a sign along the lines of "Teacher favors me the most".

What makes me sick? To present my case, I will start with a photo of her and ToTo*.

What is with the Ba-Donk-a-donk? Judy Garland may have been a lot of things (barbituate addict comes to mind), but her wonderful "Girl Next Door" looks preceeded that of many a pin-up starlet of those times (pre-Betty Page). She was one hot gal, even in black and white. Anyhow, this only brings me to the next warping of that iconic image/character I grew up with: In this adaptation, Dorothy is an incredible BITCH! Let's get to know her some...
When the Scarecrow can't do simple math, Dorothy says, (pasted from the book)

Then while meeting the Tin Man, there is this interaction,

And of course, she can't help but to say to the Lion multiple times,

We had a discussion in class and as we all know, Brian Kim can't keep his mouth shut:

Teacher: Who else thinks Dorothy is being a jerk? (Brian Kim raises his hand to ask a question) ... And before you bother me to ask what a jerk is, I'll just say it's a person we don't want to be friends with. (Brian Kim's hand resumes loitering on his desk).

Brian Kim: Teacher, I think Dorothy is smart.

Teacher: You would, but please, tell me why.

Brian Kim: The scarecrow is stupid, and she does waste time with Tin Man. She has to get home fast.

Teacher: I see, so she should just look out for herself? Forgot these people who need help? Work to advance her own endeavours?(Brian Kim raises his hand) Oh, for fuck sake, advance means to make better, and endeavours... let's just say that means adventures. Happy!?

Brian Kim: Yes, Teacher! She should!

Teacher: I figured you'd say that. You two are a lot alike Brian Kim... which is why YOU will be playing Dorothy!

*not to be confused with t.A.T.u., the sexy, bi-curious, russian musical duo.

The bigger the bacon, the fatter the pig

When I first came to Korea, I was excited, to say the least. I am a huge M*A*S*H fan and one of the proud investments in my life is my M*A*S*H t-shirt. Once arrived, I wore it loud and proud, like christians* who wear crosses flagrantly around their neck.

Case in point: I was walking around the Hongdae district within my first couple of weeks in Korea, clad in the upperbody uniform of the 4077**, when I was approached by a police officer. At the time, I was admittedly intoxicated, yet jovial as one can expect to be whilst experiencing a new culture/country. The officer, however, was not going through same high-spirited 'fiesta in the streets' as I was. Heavily irked by the shirt, he condemned it as offensive "after all Korea had gone through with 'the war'". I responded with, "well it was a fucking wicked movie, and an even more entertaining TV show", or something along those lines. Long story short, by the end of the argument, I was detained in the local jail/drunk tank, for hours on end. Unwavering, I did and WILL continue to assert the lack of instigation on my part, and the total abuse of power by that one Korean flatfoot. Yes, eventually, I was released with an apology by a higher ranking official; but that incident always stuck in my craw.

Over time, I have come to forgive the Korean police department (even the individual officer), and all that occurred. The scar left by that event healed over, and eventually became a beauty mark that I think accentuates my very being, my soul (yes, I was tempted to write SEOUL... "uh guh").

I drank a bottle of soju with a patrolman who was on duty a while back, and it will remain an endearing moment in my life. My opinions of authorities run deep, but I would like to say, I had come to fully support the Korean police force.

That is, until today... when I discovered their newest JUNIOR recruit: Brian Kim

Briam Kim puts the "Lice" in Police. Fuck knows he has me scratching my head most the time.

* if you are offended that I didn't spell 'christians' with a capital "C", then you probably took even more offense to the word "flagrantly" and most likely shouldn't be reading this shit.

**look it up, you non-M*A*S*H watching cunts!

In Digestion

How to make Brian KimChi

1. Get a Korean child who is an animated Cabbage Patch Kid. 2. Remove the Cabbage 3. Place in bowl. 4. Add powdered red pepper TIP #1: Go to the grocery store and search through the pile of peppers. Imagine they are a pair of pants and find the ones you feel would chafe you the most. 5. Mix in scholastic competitiveness, sunshine, belief in “fan death”, sickening adorability, and an obscene amount of national pride. 6. Let it ferment/marinate in smugness and academic intensity for 8 years. 7. Hawk up as much phlegm as you can and spit it in the bowl 8. You now have Brian KimChi TIP #2: Best served with a glass of Korean whine.

Sugar High

Friends are hard to come by; even harder when everyone, even the teacher sees what a douche you are. That's why the good lord* created candy. Let's not kid ourselves, Brian Kim knows how to work the system like the greatest of lonelyhearts who need companionship. Everyone has their price, and the younger you are, the cheaper the price is... case in point, 600Won for a pack of Mei-Ju, the Korean equivalent of Starburst (without the electrifying fruit sensation). So, B-Kim, as I have decided to refer to him in today's update, figured he could get friends by bringing out candy to the class.


Yeah, they were all BFF's for the first 20 mins of class, and then that cheap crap sugar high ran its' course. When they came back around for seconds of the sugarshit, ol' B-Kim found himself without anything else to offer, except his usual "I'm a lame-ass, keener" persona. With no friends, he's back to once again being the Charlie Brown of South Korea.

For fuck's sake... who wears a shirt with a colour spelled on it? No wonder you need to buy friends.



*who are we kidding, there is no "good lord", if there was, I wouldn't be stuck with Brian Kim

Learning 'TOOLS'

Brian Kim: Teacher, Kevin is sleeping!

Teacher: Well, that's his prerogative. Now shut up before you wake him.

Brian Kim: What is pier-ogy-tibe?

Teacher: It's "prerogative", say it right.

Brian Kim: What is prerogative?

Teacher: (throwing the dictionary at him) You look it up, teacher is busy.

Brian Kim: (leafs through the dictionary, then looks up) How do you spell?

Teacher: Geezus Christ Brian Kim, you are the "DICK" in dictionary!

Simple Math

Briam Kim has this nasty habit of appearing to be an angel. Nothing worse to walk into class, only to be greeted by a series of bullshit like: "Teacher, you are the best teacher!", "You are so funny", "I love you, teacher!".

Today, I came into class only to hear this, "Teacher, you are so handsome!"

"Well, Brian Kim", I said "I guess that makes one of us"*.


* most Korean children are good at math

Snow Day

It snowed today over most of Seoul, and if you know Brian Kim like I do, there are two major things that he gets a vicious hard on for: Snow and playing Hangman. So, I decided to fuck with him using both of his loves.

Three minutes into hangman, the puzzle looks like this:

S N O W _


Brian Kim: (standing up, his hand erect, stiff, and unyielding, emphasising his excitement) Y
Teacher: Why what?
Brian Kim: "Y"
Teacher: Why what?
Brian Kim: (with a typical Korean whine), Y'eeeeeeee
Teacher: (writing the word "why?" on the board) WHY WHAT?!?
Brian Kim: No teacher, "Y"
Teacher: (writing the word Why under the wrongly guessed letters), no sorry, the answer is not "Why". Leo*, do you know?
Leo: Letter "Y"
Teacher: Oh, VERY GOOD LEO!!! SNOWY!
Brian Kim: Oh teacher, that is what I said!
Teacher: No, Brian Kim, that is what you asked.


* pronounced "Lay-O" for some fucking retarded reason

Potty Humour

Brian Kim: Teacher, May I go to the bathroom?
Me: "May I go to the bathroom, PLEASE"
Brian Kim: Please!
Me: No, say it all in one sentence.
Brian Kim: Teacher, may I go to the bathroom, Please?
Me: Very Good English, Brian Kim! .... No, you may not.

English (Proper)

So then I was like, "Shut your fucking mouth Brian Kim! I don't care how old you are. If teacher spells "Colour" with a 'u', then YOU spell "Colour" with a 'u'.