Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Serve-Ant Your Country

Brian Kim: What were you in Army?
Teacher: Huh? What the hell are you talking about?
Brian Kim: You know Teacher... what was job in army?
Teacher: My job was to ignore it because no matter how hard they would shave my head, my brain grew back quick enough to know it was a pyramid scheme.
Brian Kim: Huh? I don't understand.
Teacher: That is because I didnt say it for your sake, but my readers... but no Brian
Kim-brûlée, I was NEVER IN THE ARMY.
Brain Kim: You have to! Or you are not honor country person!
Teacher: Hold up fella. Spell "HONOUR"
Brian Kim: "HONOR"
Teacher: Hahahahah, you dumb sack of skin, shows how much you know... first of all, it is spelled "Honour", and second, Canadians and Americans don't actually HAVE TO be in the army. That is kind of a Korean, or just Asian thing. Kind of like how Mexicans have Pinatas at birthday parties. Just weirdness other cultures abide by.
Brian Kim: You dont help your country be good place?
Teacher: I sure did, I left it. Now it is a much BETTER place.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Cafe Americano

Brian Kim: (giving an answer to a question I asked in class) YOU are the most handsome teacher!
Teacher: Correct! Very Good Brian KimBop.
Brian Kim: I am 천재!
Teacher: Say it in English doofus. This is English class.
Brian Kim: I am genius!
Teacher: Well, you are smart, but I don't think you are a genius. I bet you don't even know the alphabet.
Brian Kim: I do too teacher! I know it very good!
Teacher: Well, you know it very WELL, and I don't think you do. Let's make an 'Alpha Bet'. I bet you, you can't say the alphabet properly.
Brian Kim: It's easy! "A, Bee, Cee, Dee, Eee, Eff, Gee, ... Double you, Ex, Why, and Zee"
Teacher: (making the "error sound") Nope, sorry KimChiFace, no good.
Brian Kim: No teacher! That is right!
Teacher: Nope, sorry.
Brian Kim: (whining) YEAAAAASSSSSSS.
Teacher: Are you American?
Brian Kim: No I am Korean!
Teacher: Well ONLY Americans get away with a shoddy alphabet like that!
Brian Kim: I don't know! Why?
Leo*: ZED!
Teacher" WOW! Look at that, congrats "Lame-O", you can't even pronounce your name within a retards reasoning, but at least YOU know the alphabet!

* yes, Leo still calls himself Lay-o, which only makes me want to sing Day O, because
these kids come, AND ME WAN' GO HOME!

Friday, April 23, 2010

The More You Know

Top 10 Ways To Diagnose If You Are Dealing With A Brian Kim In Your Class:
(In Order Of Subtle To Obvious Signs)

10. The worse you treat them, the more they like you.
9. Under the old addage, "you are what you eat", this child would eat nothing but Korean flags, and shit out concentrated nationalism, if he could.
8. The child constantly raises his hand in class, when you've made it blatantly clear that you are a "hip teacher" who doesn't subscribe to that conservative, conformist bullshit.
7. Even though there is a kid in your class whose named is spelled "Leo", but pronounced "Lay-O", you still despise this other kid more.
6. At the end of the first week of teaching this child, you are forced to drink so heavily that you beg your best friend at 3am to give you a makeshift vasectomy (or tubal ligation if you are a woman) in an effort to curb the possibility of ever having a child like this of your own.
5. This kid somehow resists his innate Korean urge to give you a 똥침 (Dong Chim), even when you are bent over in prime Dong Chim position, because he'd rather curry favor with the teacher, than the rest of the class.
4. You've changed your mind about a vasectomy (or TL), in hopes that one day your child will kick this child's ass.
3. To them, walking into a stationary store is better than walking into a toy store.
2. At his parent's insistance, he carries a mini-fan in his pocket, like mace, because of his family's steadfast belief of fan-death.

1. You, an "adult", suddenly find yourself writing a smear campaign online about an 8 year old boy.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Do Unto Others...

The easiest way to control a class in this country, atleast, a younger class, just blows my mind. You use the "star system"*. Every class, I write their names on the board, and they blow their load the second they get a star. If they act up, I just threaten to erase a star. I kind of see it like a classful of ostentatious boyscouts, the more bullshit badges they get, the less empty they feel inside. And to what end? It isn't like I give them a prize or anything for having the most stars. Somehow, they have been conditioned to believe that once they have a star next to their name, they have climbed the classroom ladder just enough to be promoted to headgeek. Just like peacocks like to show off their feathers, so too do the kids in my class with stars, and as we've all been learning, Brian Kim puts the COCK in peacock.
It was about midway through class, with 5 stars each, Brian Kim and Kevin were neck'n'neck in the loser race that is the star accreditation system, when this went down:

Brian Kim: Teacher! Kevin is reading a comic, he is hide it under his workbook! Erase a star!
Teacher: (walking over to the board and erasing stars) There we go, one star erased from Kevin, and one star erased from you.
Brian Kim: TEACHER! That is MY star! (sounding raspy like Golem losing his precious)Why you erase MY star.
Teacher: Because,
Brian Kim-my Gibbler, you are a tattle-tale.
Brian Kim: What is tattle-tale?
Teacher: When you tell on someone for doing something 'bad'.
Brian Kim: But, that is good thing! That is how police catch bad people!
Leo: Yeah teacher! That is a good thing.
Teacher: Be quiet "Lay-O", and stay out of this. This is between me and Brian, you should be spending your time wondering why on earth your name is spelled Leo, and retardedly pronounced Lay-o. I think that is pretty "Gay-o" if you ask me. Now, back to you Brian, yes, it can be a good thing when someone has broken a law, but when you do it in a classroom, to buddy up to the teacher, and increase your star standing, then it is the wrong to do it. Teacher is not your friend, he is your teacher. And besides, I am not friends with tattle-tales, just gossipers**.
10 Minutes Later in class:

Kevin: Teacher, Brian Kim is drawing on his desk!
Teacher: uh-oh Brian, looks like you lose a star, (erasing a star) which puts Kevin in the lead.
Brian Kim: (golem) NO TEACHER! Kevin is tattle-tale! He should lose star too!
Teacher: No, No, Kevin is not a tattle-tale.
Brian Kim: Yes teacher, he just tattle-tale me for drawing on desk!
Teacher: No Brian, see, what Kevin did kind of overules being called a tattle-tale. What he did isn't called tattling, it's called PAYBACK.

*the Star Accreditation System comes in many forms, it could be happy faces instead of stars, or stickers, check marks, etc... bottom line is it is all just a bunch of bullshit flare to keep the kids distracted.

*the current gossip on the street is that Brian Kim Awareness week is approaching. Stay tuned for more details.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


"When war is declared, Truth is the first casualty"
- Arthur Ponsonby

So somehow, the conversation got onto the recent Winter Olympics today, with Brian Kim, a loud and proud* Korean nationalist spearheading the group, recapping the 'inspirational' performance of Kim Yu-Na 김연아**. Futhermore, that discussion was followed by the Korean speedskaters and their accolades.

Teacher: Whoopity do! Canada won the gold medal in Hockey, and as far as I am concerned, that is the only event involving an ice rink at the Olympics.
Brian Kim: But Korea is best at ice sport!
Teacher: Hogwash! Those are fighting words. Need I remind you that Canada was (writing it on the bored) 3rd in the medal count, and Korea was 7th.
Brian Kim: Yes teacher, but Canada is very big country! Korea is small.
Teacher: Really? Is this it? You want to start a little WAR here? Ok, where to start?
Brian Kim: (smug as a bug, in a hole he has just dug) Ok, teacher, yes WAR. Korea is so small, and Canada, so big.
Teacher: Ok, let's go there, hahaha, (drawing the massive country that Canada is on the board), Canada looks like this. And Korea, is about this size (drawing Korea inside of Canada, which essentially makes it look like a freckle. I'd call it a beauty mark, but let's face it, Korea is NO beauty mark).
Brian: (laughing, thinking his point is won) haha, Yes teacher! See, Canada is so big, that is why so many medal.
Teacher: But, you silly tit, you forget one important thing! (writing the following on the board) :
Canada = 33,000,000 people
Korea = 50,000,000 people
Sooooo many people in Korea. So many athletes! You have more advantage (before he has the chance to raise his little eager hand to ask what advantage means, I have already thumbed to the page in the dictionary, and shove it right into his more-than-likely-to-be-surgically-altered-in-the-future nose). Here, I hope you are hungry, cause it's time to eat your words.
Brian Kim: Oh teacher, still, Korea is best country! Canada is stupid!

Teacher: (moving on) Wow, look at this messy board I've just spent the last while writing on. This is terrible, WAR is a messy thing sometimes. Guess what Leo**, I know it is your turn to clean the board for teacher today, but Brian Kim is now going to clean it after class.
(Leo** gets out of his seat and jumps in the air, like he is giving his god a high five, or at the very least, a sloppy kiss).
Brian Kim: Teacher, THAT IS NOT FAIR!
Teacher: No, you're right, it isnt FAIR, it's warFARE.

* I would prefer to say he was a loud and proud homosexual, cause I'm absolutely fine with homosexuality, if not promote it as it would help the population crisis in Asia, but it's Korean Nationalism I have a problem with.
** I remind them, that since we are speaking English, she is Yu-Na Kim, not this family name first bullshit!
*** sadly, still pronounced LAY-O for some dick-dyke reason.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Mind The Gap

Brian Kim: Teacher, I lose a tooth!
Teacher: Get used to it, I got a feeling you are gonna lose for most of your life.
Brian Kim: Huh?
Teacher: Nevermind, so what happened, did Kevin punch you in the face ? (reaching out my hand for Kevin to give me a high five)
Brian Kim: No, it just fall out.
Teacher: Dude, you gotta learn to make stories more interesting, cause right now you are LOSING my attention.
Brian Kim: But that is what happen.
Teacher: "ed"
Brian Kim: "ed"?
Teacher: HappenED. It is "happened". I feel like you should learn atleast something today. So did you stick it under your pillow for the tooth fairy?
Brian Kim: What is "Tooth Fairy"
Teacher: (explains what a Tooth Fairy is) .... and they don't discriminate, even if you are a big dink.
Brian Kim: I don't beliebe* this "Tooth Fairy".
Teacher: What do you mean you don't believe,(holding back the urge to launch into a diatribe about christianity, Brian Kim's spiritual drug of choice) just this week you believed your mother, who is very much alive, was a ghost in your room. You put the "DICK" in "ridiculous.
Brian Kim: She was, and this tooth fairy is not real. I don't beliebe.
Teacher: Well, you and the Tooth Fairy have a lot in common, cause a lot of my readers don't think you are real.
Brian Kim: Readers? I don't understand.

Teacher: And you never will

* it's been months, but the kid still can't get down his fucking "V's". Probably be easier to change the English pronounciation worldwide, than get this kid to figure this shit out.