Serve-Ant Your Country

Brian Kim: What were you in Army?
Teacher: Huh? What the hell are you talking about?
Brian Kim: You know Teacher... what was job in army?
Teacher: My job was to ignore it because no matter how hard they would shave my head, my brain grew back quick enough to know it was a pyramid scheme.
Brian Kim: Huh? I don't understand.
Teacher: That is because I didnt say it for your sake, but my readers... but no Brian Kim-brûlée, I was NEVER IN THE ARMY.
Brain Kim: You have to! Or you are not honor country person!
Teacher: Hold up fella. Spell "HONOUR"
Brian Kim: "HONOR"
Teacher: Hahahahah, you dumb sack of skin, shows how much you know... first of all, it is spelled "Honour", and second, Canadians and Americans don't actually HAVE TO be in the army. That is kind of a Korean, or just Asian thing. Kind of like how Mexicans have Pinatas at birthday parties. Just weirdness other cultures abide by.
Brian Kim: You dont help your country be good place?
Teacher: I sure did, I left it. Now it is a much BETTER place.

Cafe Americano

Brian Kim: (giving an answer to a question I asked in class) YOU are the most handsome teacher!
Teacher: Correct! Very Good Brian KimBop.
Brian Kim: I am 천재!
Teacher: Say it in English doofus. This is English class.
Brian Kim: I am genius!
Teacher: Well, you are smart, but I don't think you are a genius. I bet you don't even know the alphabet.
Brian Kim: I do too teacher! I know it very good!
Teacher: Well, you know it very WELL, and I don't think you do. Let's make an 'Alpha Bet'. I bet you, you can't say the alphabet properly.
Brian Kim: It's easy! "A, Bee, Cee, Dee, Eee, Eff, Gee, ... Double you, Ex, Why, and Zee"
Teacher: (making the "error sound") Nope, sorry KimChiFace, no good.
Brian Kim: No teacher! That is right!
Teacher: Nope, sorry.
Brian Kim: (whining) YEAAAAASSSSSSS.
Teacher: Are you American?
Brian Kim: No I am Korean!
Teacher: Well ONLY Americans get away with a shoddy alphabet like that!
Brian Kim: I don't know! Why?
Leo*: ZED!
Teacher" WOW! Look at that, congrats "Lame-O", you can't even pronounce your name within a retards reasoning, but at least YOU know the alphabet!

* yes, Leo still calls himself Lay-o, which only makes me want to sing Day O, because
these kids come, AND ME WAN' GO HOME!

The More You Know

Top 10 Ways To Diagnose If You Are Dealing With A Brian Kim In Your Class:
(In Order Of Subtle To Obvious Signs)

10. The worse you treat them, the more they like you. 9. Under the old addage, "you are what you eat", this child would eat nothing but Korean flags, and shit out concentrated nationalism, if he could. 8. The child constantly raises his hand in class, when you've made it blatantly clear that you are a "hip teacher" who doesn't subscribe to that conservative, conformist bullshit. 7. Even though there is a kid in your class whose named is spelled "Leo", but pronounced "Lay-O", you still despise this other kid more. 6. At the end of the first week of teaching this child, you are forced to drink so heavily that you beg your best friend at 3am to give you a makeshift vasectomy (or tubal ligation if you are a woman) in an effort to curb the possibility of ever having a child like this of your own. 5. This kid somehow resists his innate Korean urge to give you a 똥침 (Dong Chim), even when you are bent over in prime Dong Chim position, because he'd rather curry favor with the teacher, than the rest of the class. 4. You've changed your mind about a vasectomy (or TL), in hopes that one day your child will kick this child's ass. 3. To them, walking into a stationary store is better than walking into a toy store. 2. At his parent's insistance, he carries a mini-fan in his pocket, like mace, because of his family's steadfast belief of fan-death. 1. You, an "adult", suddenly find yourself writing a smear campaign online about an 8 year old boy.

Do Unto Others...

The easiest way to control a class in this country, atleast, a younger class, just blows my mind. You use the "star system"*. Every class, I write their names on the board, and they blow their load the second they get a star. If they act up, I just threaten to erase a star. I kind of see it like a classful of ostentatious boyscouts, the more bullshit badges they get, the less empty they feel inside. And to what end? It isn't like I give them a prize or anything for having the most stars. Somehow, they have been conditioned to believe that once they have a star next to their name, they have climbed the classroom ladder just enough to be promoted to headgeek. Just like peacocks like to show off their feathers, so too do the kids in my class with stars, and as we've all been learning, Brian Kim puts the COCK in peacock.
_____________________________________________
It was about midway through class, with 5 stars each, Brian Kim and Kevin were neck'n'neck in the loser race that is the star accreditation system, when this went down:

Brian Kim: Teacher! Kevin is reading a comic, he is hide it under his workbook! Erase a star!
Teacher: (walking over to the board and erasing stars) There we go, one star erased from Kevin, and one star erased from you.
Brian Kim: TEACHER! That is MY star! (sounding raspy like Golem losing his precious)Why you erase MY star.
Teacher: Because, Brian Kim-my Gibbler, you are a tattle-tale.
Brian Kim: What is tattle-tale?
Teacher: When you tell on someone for doing something 'bad'.
Brian Kim: But, that is good thing! That is how police catch bad people!
Leo: Yeah teacher! That is a good thing.
Teacher: Be quiet "Lay-O", and stay out of this. This is between me and Brian, you should be spending your time wondering why on earth your name is spelled Leo, and retardedly pronounced Lay-o. I think that is pretty "Gay-o" if you ask me. Now, back to you Brian, yes, it can be a good thing when someone has broken a law, but when you do it in a classroom, to buddy up to the teacher, and increase your star standing, then it is the wrong to do it. Teacher is not your friend, he is your teacher. And besides, I am not friends with tattle-tales, just gossipers**.
_______________________________________________
10 Minutes Later in class:

Kevin: Teacher, Brian Kim is drawing on his desk!
Teacher: uh-oh Brian, looks like you lose a star, (erasing a star) which puts Kevin in the lead.
Brian Kim: (golem) NO TEACHER! Kevin is tattle-tale! He should lose star too!
Teacher: No, No, Kevin is not a tattle-tale.
Brian Kim: Yes teacher, he just tattle-tale me for drawing on desk!
Teacher: No Brian, see, what Kevin did kind of overules being called a tattle-tale. What he did isn't called tattling, it's called PAYBACK.

*the Star Accreditation System comes in many forms, it could be happy faces instead of stars, or stickers, check marks, etc... bottom line is it is all just a bunch of bullshit flare to keep the kids distracted.

*the current gossip on the street is that Brian Kim Awareness week is approaching. Stay tuned for more details.

P.O.W.'s

"When war is declared, Truth is the first casualty"
- Arthur Ponsonby

So somehow, the conversation got onto the recent Winter Olympics today, with Brian Kim, a loud and proud* Korean nationalist spearheading the group, recapping the 'inspirational' performance of Kim Yu-Na 김연아**. Futhermore, that discussion was followed by the Korean speedskaters and their accolades.

Teacher: Whoopity do! Canada won the gold medal in Hockey, and as far as I am concerned, that is the only event involving an ice rink at the Olympics.
Brian Kim: But Korea is best at ice sport!
Teacher: Hogwash! Those are fighting words. Need I remind you that Canada was (writing it on the bored) 3rd in the medal count, and Korea was 7th.
Brian Kim: Yes teacher, but Canada is very big country! Korea is small.
Teacher: Really? Is this it? You want to start a little WAR here? Ok, where to start?
Brian Kim: (smug as a bug, in a hole he has just dug) Ok, teacher, yes WAR. Korea is so small, and Canada, so big.
Teacher: Ok, let's go there, hahaha, (drawing the massive country that Canada is on the board), Canada looks like this. And Korea, is about this size (drawing Korea inside of Canada, which essentially makes it look like a freckle. I'd call it a beauty mark, but let's face it, Korea is NO beauty mark).
Brian: (laughing, thinking his point is won) haha, Yes teacher! See, Canada is so big, that is why so many medal.
Teacher: But, you silly tit, you forget one important thing! (writing the following on the board) :
Canada = 33,000,000 people
Korea = 50,000,000 people
Sooooo many people in Korea. So many athletes! You have more advantage (before he has the chance to raise his little eager hand to ask what advantage means, I have already thumbed to the page in the dictionary, and shove it right into his more-than-likely-to-be-surgically-altered-in-the-future nose). Here, I hope you are hungry, cause it's time to eat your words.
Brian Kim: Oh teacher, still, Korea is best country! Canada is stupid!

Teacher: (moving on) Wow, look at this messy board I've just spent the last while writing on. This is terrible, WAR is a messy thing sometimes. Guess what Leo**, I know it is your turn to clean the board for teacher today, but Brian Kim is now going to clean it after class.
(Leo** gets out of his seat and jumps in the air, like he is giving his god a high five, or at the very least, a sloppy kiss).
Brian Kim: Teacher, THAT IS NOT FAIR!
Teacher: No, you're right, it isnt FAIR, it's warFARE.

* I would prefer to say he was a loud and proud homosexual, cause I'm absolutely fine with homosexuality, if not promote it as it would help the population crisis in Asia, but it's Korean Nationalism I have a problem with.
** I remind them, that since we are speaking English, she is Yu-Na Kim, not this family name first bullshit!
*** sadly, still pronounced LAY-O for some dick-dyke reason.

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words:

A.P.I.W.A.T.W.

Mind The Gap

Brian Kim: Teacher, I lose a tooth!

Teacher: Get used to it, I got a feeling you are gonna lose for most of your life.

Brian Kim: Huh?

Teacher: Nevermind, so what happened, did Kevin punch you in the face ? (reaching out my hand for Kevin to give me a high five)

Brian Kim: No, it just fall out.

Teacher: Dude, you gotta learn to make stories more interesting, cause right now you are LOSING my attention.

Brian Kim: But that is what happen.

Teacher: "ed"

Brian Kim: "ed"?

Teacher: HappenED. It is "happened". I feel like you should learn atleast something today. So did you stick it under your pillow for the tooth fairy?

Brian Kim: What is "Tooth Fairy"

Teacher: (explains what a Tooth Fairy is) .... and they don't discriminate, even if you are a big dink.

Brian Kim: I don't beliebe* this "Tooth Fairy".

Teacher: What do you mean you don't believe,(holding back the urge to launch into a diatribe about christianity, Brian Kim's spiritual drug of choice) just this week you believed your mother, who is very much alive, was a ghost in your room. You put the "DICK" in "ridiculous.

Brian Kim: She was, and this tooth fairy is not real. I don't beliebe.

Teacher: Well, you and the Tooth Fairy have a lot in common, cause a lot of my readers don't think you are real.

Brian Kim: Readers? I don't understand.

Teacher: And you never will

* it's been months, but the kid still can't get down his fucking "V's". Probably be easier to change the English pronounciation worldwide, than get this kid to figure this shit out.

You Can't Spell sMother Without...

Every Korean child has a ghost story, and Brian Kim is no exception:

Brian Kim: Teacher, I see ghost last night!
Teacher: What, with Demi Moore, Patrick Swayze?
Brian Kim: I see ghost!
Teacher: Yeah, I saw it years ago, so what.
Brian Kim: No teacher! I see real ghost!
Teacher: Oh, (incredulous and sarcastic) that must have been scary.
Brian Kim: It was crazy! I could not beliebe*
Teacher: Well, I dont (overpronouncing the "v")believvvve. What did it look like?
Brian Kim: I was sleeping, and I wake up, and it is my mom, and she is in my room, and...
Teacher: (cutting him off) Hold up BK broiler, the ghost was your mother? And this is the mother (MILF) I met last week?
Brian Kim: Yes teacher!
Teacher: And so your mother is dead?!?
Brian Kim: No Teacher, she is libe**.
Teacher: Then there is no way it was your mother! Ghosts are dead people dummy!
Brian Kim: What is dummy?
Teacher: YOU!, dummy, you are 바보 (ba-bo, means stupid).
Brian Kim: No teacher, it is her! I ask her the next day, she say she was not in my room, but I saw her! It is her, and she was ghost!
Teacher: Well did she have a pillow in her hand?
Brian Kim: No teacher, no pillow!
Teacher: Well then I don't believe a mispronounced word rolling off your little KimChi tongue. Cause the only way I think any of it is possible is if she was about to make right the wrong she did by bringing you into this world (even worse, my classroom),and put a pillow over your face for a more than likely "soul freeing"*** amount of time, to ensure we can ALL sleep well at night.

* learn your fucking V's
** see the above asterisk notation fuckneck
*** Yes donkeyholes, I did want to write "Seoul Freeing" (uh-guh)

Seoul Crusher

Teacher: (passing out tests) Ok, you guys have 30 minutes to finish these.

Brian Kim: Why test teacher? I did not know!

Teacher: This is a test to level up*, if you do well you move into a more advanced class. Your parents will be so happy!

Brian Kim: Really Teacher?!? Okay!

Teacher: Yes Brian, are you excited, I think you will do well! (give him the test)

Brian Kim: Wow teacher, this test easy! (starts writing the test)

Teacher: I know, good luck!
-------
30 minutes later
-------
Teacher: (marking Brian Kim's test) Wow Brian, you got the best score in class! Congratulations, you are going to level up!

Brian Kim: (jumping around excited) My parents Teacher! They are going to be happy! They promise me cell phone if I level up!

Teacher: That sounds wonderful Brian, you know what cell phones are good for?

Brian Kim: (practically dirty dancing with Jesus) Yes teacher, calling and texting, and games! I'm excited!

Teacher: Yes, and they have applications too, you can go on the internet and look up stuff!

Brian Kim: (a shit eating grin that can only come from someone who is guilty of eating shit) Yes, I am excited!

Teacher: Me too! I think the first thing you should look up is (crumpling up the test and throwing it into the garbage) ...

APRIL FOOLS' DAY!

* leveling up is a Korean Child's pre-pubescent wet dream

Fast Food For Thought

Brian Kim: Teacher, do you drink 맥주 (맥주, or Mc-Jew, like McDonald's combined with Judaism, it means Beer)?
Teacher: (lying) Absolutely not!
Brian Kim: Really teacher? Why?
Teacher: Cause I'm too worried of getting drunk and making a stupid mistake that results in me being the father to a kid like you...
Brian Kim: But teacher, you arent my father!
Teacher: I know, he is drinking right now wishing we were both in that same position.
*

*Yes, the above man is drunk, passed out, and at Mcdonalds

Boys and Ghouls

Either this happened in class today, or I fell asleep again while teaching:

Brian Kim: TEACHER! LEO* HAS TURNED INTO ZOMBIE!



Teacher: So what, he's still more alive to me than you are.
Brian Kim: (with a Korean Whine) BUT TEACHER, HE WILL KILL ME!
Teacher: One could only dream...
Brian Kim: PLEASE TEACHER, I DON'T WANT LEO TO EAT ME!
Teacher: Don't worry, zombies only eat people with brains. You are safe.
* pronounced "Lay-O" for some gay-tit reason

Popular Kid

Wow!!! They must know Brian Kim*!

*photo courtesy of one Miss Wilke, Brian Kim hater at large.

Know your role

It goes without saying that there is a lot of drama in our classes, but the kind I look forward to is when we actually have "Drama Class". Currently, we have been assigned "The Wizard Of Oz", a classic tale of the wonderfully sweet Dorothy, lost in an unknown world; and at the same time, it is undeniably, even innately familiar. Much like what I go through in Korea on a daily basis. A sort of bastardized version of a reality I once knew.
To Wit:
I was handed a storyboard'ed script for "The Wizard of Oz" production we are to perform in the near future. Upon reading it, I immediately wanted to vomit on the nearest child possible... which thankfully was Brian Kim as he can't help but to saddle up to the teacher every second of the class. I however held it in, knowing he would probably take this as a sign along the lines of "Teacher favors me the most".

What makes me sick? To present my case, I will start with a photo of her and ToTo*.

What is with the Ba-Donk-a-donk? Judy Garland may have been a lot of things (barbituate addict comes to mind), but her wonderful "Girl Next Door" looks preceeded that of many a pin-up starlet of those times (pre-Betty Page). She was one hot gal, even in black and white. Anyhow, this only brings me to the next warping of that iconic image/character I grew up with: In this adaptation, Dorothy is an incredible BITCH! Let's get to know her some...
When the Scarecrow can't do simple math, Dorothy says, (pasted from the book)

Then while meeting the Tin Man, there is this interaction,

And of course, she can't help but to say to the Lion multiple times,

We had a discussion in class and as we all know, Brian Kim can't keep his mouth shut:

Teacher: Who else thinks Dorothy is being a jerk? (Brian Kim raises his hand to ask a question) ... And before you bother me to ask what a jerk is, I'll just say it's a person we don't want to be friends with. (Brian Kim's hand resumes loitering on his desk).

Brian Kim: Teacher, I think Dorothy is smart.

Teacher: You would, but please, tell me why.

Brian Kim: The scarecrow is stupid, and she does waste time with Tin Man. She has to get home fast.

Teacher: I see, so she should just look out for herself? Forgot these people who need help? Work to advance her own endeavours?(Brian Kim raises his hand) Oh, for fuck sake, advance means to make better, and endeavours... let's just say that means adventures. Happy!?

Brian Kim: Yes, Teacher! She should!

Teacher: I figured you'd say that. You two are a lot alike Brian Kim... which is why YOU will be playing Dorothy!

*not to be confused with t.A.T.u., the sexy, bi-curious, russian musical duo.

The bigger the bacon, the fatter the pig

When I first came to Korea, I was excited, to say the least. I am a huge M*A*S*H fan and one of the proud investments in my life is my M*A*S*H t-shirt. Once arrived, I wore it loud and proud, like christians* who wear crosses flagrantly around their neck.

Case in point: I was walking around the Hongdae district within my first couple of weeks in Korea, clad in the upperbody uniform of the 4077**, when I was approached by a police officer. At the time, I was admittedly intoxicated, yet jovial as one can expect to be whilst experiencing a new culture/country. The officer, however, was not going through same high-spirited 'fiesta in the streets' as I was. Heavily irked by the shirt, he condemned it as offensive "after all Korea had gone through with 'the war'". I responded with, "well it was a fucking wicked movie, and an even more entertaining TV show", or something along those lines. Long story short, by the end of the argument, I was detained in the local jail/drunk tank, for hours on end. Unwavering, I did and WILL continue to assert the lack of instigation on my part, and the total abuse of power by that one Korean flatfoot. Yes, eventually, I was released with an apology by a higher ranking official; but that incident always stuck in my craw.

Over time, I have come to forgive the Korean police department (even the individual officer), and all that occurred. The scar left by that event healed over, and eventually became a beauty mark that I think accentuates my very being, my soul (yes, I was tempted to write SEOUL... "uh guh").

I drank a bottle of soju with a patrolman who was on duty a while back, and it will remain an endearing moment in my life. My opinions of authorities run deep, but I would like to say, I had come to fully support the Korean police force.

That is, until today... when I discovered their newest JUNIOR recruit: Brian Kim

Briam Kim puts the "Lice" in Police. Fuck knows he has me scratching my head most the time.

* if you are offended that I didn't spell 'christians' with a capital "C", then you probably took even more offense to the word "flagrantly" and most likely shouldn't be reading this shit.

**look it up, you non-M*A*S*H watching cunts!

In Digestion

How to make Brian KimChi

1. Get a Korean child who is an animated Cabbage Patch Kid. 2. Remove the Cabbage 3. Place in bowl. 4. Add powdered red pepper TIP #1: Go to the grocery store and search through the pile of peppers. Imagine they are a pair of pants and find the ones you feel would chafe you the most. 5. Mix in scholastic competitiveness, sunshine, belief in “fan death”, sickening adorability, and an obscene amount of national pride. 6. Let it ferment/marinate in smugness and academic intensity for 8 years. 7. Hawk up as much phlegm as you can and spit it in the bowl 8. You now have Brian KimChi TIP #2: Best served with a glass of Korean whine.

Sugar High

Friends are hard to come by; even harder when everyone, even the teacher sees what a douche you are. That's why the good lord* created candy. Let's not kid ourselves, Brian Kim knows how to work the system like the greatest of lonelyhearts who need companionship. Everyone has their price, and the younger you are, the cheaper the price is... case in point, 600Won for a pack of Mei-Ju, the Korean equivalent of Starburst (without the electrifying fruit sensation). So, B-Kim, as I have decided to refer to him in today's update, figured he could get friends by bringing out candy to the class.


Yeah, they were all BFF's for the first 20 mins of class, and then that cheap crap sugar high ran its' course. When they came back around for seconds of the sugarshit, ol' B-Kim found himself without anything else to offer, except his usual "I'm a lame-ass, keener" persona. With no friends, he's back to once again being the Charlie Brown of South Korea.

For fuck's sake... who wears a shirt with a colour spelled on it? No wonder you need to buy friends.



*who are we kidding, there is no "good lord", if there was, I wouldn't be stuck with Brian Kim

Learning 'TOOLS'

Brian Kim: Teacher, Kevin is sleeping!

Teacher: Well, that's his prerogative. Now shut up before you wake him.

Brian Kim: What is pier-ogy-tibe?

Teacher: It's "prerogative", say it right.

Brian Kim: What is prerogative?

Teacher: (throwing the dictionary at him) You look it up, teacher is busy.

Brian Kim: (leafs through the dictionary, then looks up) How do you spell?

Teacher: Geezus Christ Brian Kim, you are the "DICK" in dictionary!

Simple Math

Briam Kim has this nasty habit of appearing to be an angel. Nothing worse to walk into class, only to be greeted by a series of bullshit like: "Teacher, you are the best teacher!", "You are so funny", "I love you, teacher!".

Today, I came into class only to hear this, "Teacher, you are so handsome!"

"Well, Brian Kim", I said "I guess that makes one of us"*.


* most Korean children are good at math

Snow Day

It snowed today over most of Seoul, and if you know Brian Kim like I do, there are two major things that he gets a vicious hard on for: Snow and playing Hangman. So, I decided to fuck with him using both of his loves.

Three minutes into hangman, the puzzle looks like this:

S N O W _


Brian Kim: (standing up, his hand erect, stiff, and unyielding, emphasising his excitement) Y
Teacher: Why what?
Brian Kim: "Y"
Teacher: Why what?
Brian Kim: (with a typical Korean whine), Y'eeeeeeee
Teacher: (writing the word "why?" on the board) WHY WHAT?!?
Brian Kim: No teacher, "Y"
Teacher: (writing the word Why under the wrongly guessed letters), no sorry, the answer is not "Why". Leo*, do you know?
Leo: Letter "Y"
Teacher: Oh, VERY GOOD LEO!!! SNOWY!
Brian Kim: Oh teacher, that is what I said!
Teacher: No, Brian Kim, that is what you asked.


* pronounced "Lay-O" for some fucking retarded reason

Potty Humour

Brian Kim: Teacher, May I go to the bathroom?
Me: "May I go to the bathroom, PLEASE"
Brian Kim: Please!
Me: No, say it all in one sentence.
Brian Kim: Teacher, may I go to the bathroom, Please?
Me: Very Good English, Brian Kim! .... No, you may not.

English (Proper)

So then I was like, "Shut your fucking mouth Brian Kim! I don't care how old you are. If teacher spells "Colour" with a 'u', then YOU spell "Colour" with a 'u'.